


When The Black Hole Eats Your Heart

by orphan_account



Series: Bits And Pieces [4]
Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt No Comfort, Numbness, Other, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22370416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alec is being crushed under the weight of everything. Sometimes he shuts down because it's just too much.
Series: Bits And Pieces [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568008
Kudos: 11





	When The Black Hole Eats Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xenia_che](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenia_che/gifts).



> to my darling, to whom I was too much and not enough. I was born broken, and no amount of love can fix me.

A dim glow pushed from behind the heavy curtains, the outside light scratching, clawing at the fabric, trying to get in. Alec’s shoulder ached. He was curled on his side, limbs caving into his chest. The position was what made him hurt but he could hardly find it in himself to care. To find the energy to move was such a daunting task, it felt within the same magnitude as agreeing to propose to Lydia. 

There was nothing in it for him, in life.

Alec felt the space between his ribs where his emotions should be and with everything he could feel, he felt as though saying,  _ all he couldn't feel,  _ would be more appropriate. The black hole that sucked at the things in his chest cavity was neither warm nor cold, not painful nor all-encompassing, it just was. 

Alec wished he wasn’t okay with it.

It had been days, he’d lost track of how many suns and moons had passed by his window. He didn't want to know how long he had been off duty, neglecting his tasks. Isabelle and Jace would cover for him. This happened every four or five months, where he couldn’t face anything but his pillowcase. His siblings were good to him, making sure that no one questioned his absence, taking the patrol shifts he needed to be going out on. 

Alec was at a loss, unable to explain himself to anyone. He knew Magnus must be halfway out of his mind with worry, not that the other man would text him to say so. It didn’t matter that he was getting married as his mother demanded of him, following through just to keep the peace. Magnus loved him all the same, Alec knew that's what it was, whether they said it aloud or not. Alec loved him just as much, pulse pounding even though he had not moved in hours. He wished he had the words to say, to explain to this man, this miracle, that he was broken. 

There was a familiarity to the shutdown, a comfort in being surrounded by his terrible, shattered pieces. His family knew he would be okay, pulling through it like any other trial, but Magnus did not. Yet no matter how many times he tried to convince his tired fingers to fumble out an apology, an explanation to his disappearance, anything. Alec couldn’t. How would he explain that sometimes his lungs cemented in his chest, he chewed his fingernails until they bled, he lay in bed for days without being asleep or awake. How could he tell someone he loved so dearly that it didn’t matter how badly he wanted, how fiercely desperation clawed at his throat, screaming that he say something,  _ anything, _ that he just couldn’t. 

Alec’s brain ran at a thousand miles an hour and somehow didn’t think at all. He could feel the weight of duty and responsibility weighing on him like he was trying to shoulder the sky. 

Alec could call the story to mind so easily, it felt like his heart beating, involuntary and integral to his existence. Atlas, holding the horizon on his back, a punishment for defying the gods’ will. When Alec was very small and had first read the myth, he scoffed at the titan. How could someone so powerful and strong be stupid enough to go against the gods? How ignorant could he be to the capricious nature of the beings that ruled the universe? 

It was simple.

Alec knew that now. Beneath the surface, he kept himself chained, screaming and ripping at the metal links that he used to bind himself. He was better than all of these things, he felt little emotion, but when it struck, it consumed him, ravaging all that he was. Atlas simply did not try and contain this blazing wildfire. He accepted it, used it, did not want to tame it. 

These days Alec was consumed by three things: a love so deep he scarcely knew how to look himself in the eye, a desire so wild he could hardly keep himself within the law, and a sadness so vast he could drown in it. The emotions took Alec over, pulling him beneath the surface, screaming like banshees and turning his flesh to ribbons with razor-like claws. 

There were not enough words to explain this, to make Magnus hear him and understand without getting pitty bestowed upon him like a gift. Alec did not want the neatly creased paper or shiny bow. He wanted to be able to rest, yet it was so far out of reach there was nothing for him to grasp onto, like trying to grab handfuls of morning fog or midnight ghosts. 

Sliding within the twisted covers was a burden, but Alec knew it was either move or draw an iratze, and the latter would take more effort than the first. His bones shifted beneath his skin, creaking and groaning in the stale air. This was okay Alec told himself. Sure, he was pushing Magnus away without a second thought, but it was bound to happen. His abrasive nature, his shallow emotions, the way he always put his work first would eventually break them if the distance between their worlds didn’t do them in first. 

Some things were destined to be, Alec thought as he closed his eyes, and things that were destined to fall apart. 

  
  



End file.
